Tag Archives: emotions

Day 252 – 258

Day 252 – 258

First thing’s first, the Sunday of this week was the Man-shape’s birthday! I know it is late on the blog (it was on the 9th) but I can assure you, I definitely said it to him directly on the day:

“Happy birthday honey! I wish you a coming year that is everything you hope for and more. You deserve the good times now. I love you very much. x”

Week three into my new working life, new career and I can safely say working for myself has its pros & cons. The pro’s are mostly what I expected. I am working less hours. I am doing something I enjoy, I worked hard a long time to get here. I have a little bit of control about what I do (just now that includes doing almost every job offered to me when I am not already booked).

The cons I was expecting were, delays in payment, interpreting subjects I didn’t enjoy and potential boredom during practical work when I am basically put into “standby” mode. The delay in payment has been a problem. As I write this, nearly 3 weeks later, I still haven’t received payment for a single job I have done since my first meeting on 09Aug… It is rapidly becoming a massive problem. My job seekers allowance benefit has stopped. I have had to ask for help from other sources. It sucks. It is a strange feeling, I’m working away but I still feel like I can’t really do anything or let my hair down even a little because the money hasn’t come yet. More on this in a later post.

pay packet

Interpreting subjects I don’t enjoy hasn’t really been a problem. I have quite a high boredom threshold too which is lucky. In some of the practical subjects I can read on my phone or just watch what is going on around me and let my mind drift. They haven’t been cons at all.

There have been two cons I just didn’t see coming. The first is the nose dive my confidence has taken initially. One of my students decided to push me, test me a little, start correcting my signing. I was already struggling a little working with this student. He does the sign language equivalent of a mumble and often jumps topics with no warning (he has other issues in addition to his deafness). The first couple of weeks I was getting the general idea of what he was saying most of the time but if I had to actually do a translation back I’d have been lucky to get 30%. A few weeks on, getting to know him better I’d estimate I’m up to about 70% comprehension of him. That isn’t good enough, I am VERY sure of that. But I can say, hand on heart, we were never taught how to deal with this kind of signing either at university or any other course I have done. My mission by the end of his first year is to get to >95% of what he says. That is going to take trust on both sides, work from me and a big injection of confidence.

The confidence knock that not getting what that student was saying spilled over into other jobs, other students. I have been second guessing myself, not engaging in conversations with the Deaf students unless I had to. Slowly I am pushing myself out of that mindset, but it has been harder than I expected. If I don’t, it’ll never get better.

Sometimes interpreting is exciting, Sometimes it’s like watching paint dry!

The second of the cons I didn’t predict was how lonely this job can get sometimes. I am seeing more human beings and interacting with them most days now than in the weeks I was unemployed. In the college I spend most of my time (2.5 days per week) I am viewed as part of the Learner Services team. They greet my when I arrive, and we have chit chat when we can. They are a lovely bunch. The other colleges I work in I am not part of a team at all. I go in, do my job and leave. As great as that first learner services team are, my breaks happen when the student has his break, their breaks are when the students are in classes (because they need to be available for the students). Most days my break times and lunch times I am on my own, having something to eat, messaging someone, writing or exploring my surroundings.

I’m an only child. I am used to and enjoy my own company. It took me a few days (over 3 weeks) to figure out what was missing, why I didn’t feel right.

During the time I was unemployed and before, when I interacted with people it was for every day random chit chat. We talked about what was going on in our lives, things we’d seen in the news or on tv, random and varied stuff. Now I am either being the middle man in someone else’s conversation (ie. doing my job of being an interpreter) or I am talking to someone about the people or topic I have just been doing interpreting for. I was busier and still not receiving money so I wasn’t seeing friends or family as often. I was starved of everyday conversations. I felt lonely. I feel sorry for my mum and the Man-shape, they got the full force of me, desperately wanting to talk, regardless of if the timing was right for chit chat or not. I was a bit clingy and needy and, at first, I didn’t even realise I was doing it.

Once I identified that feeling for what it was I have started to calm down a bit (well, as much as I ever will, I’m not exactly shy and retiring normally). I am trying my best to get in touch with friends and make plans even if they aren’t happening right away. I need pennies to be able to do more. So friends and family, get ready for random phone calls, texts emails and more visits to be arranged. I do much better when I can play with other people a little more.

KT :-)

ps. I’m still an only child so alone time is important to me too. Balance is key. (but I reserve the right to retreat into my cave for a few hours here and there!)

Day 197

Day 197

Rock bottom… Or is it?

Well, in my introspective post of yesterday I didn’t mention some of the events that lead to my crash. And today I kinda broke. Apologies to the man-shape for the weird behaviour and the emotional outpour.

Well, as you know I am currently looking for a job or jobs that can bring in money not at the cost of my soul. That is taking longer than I would have liked but I am still on the case. But lack of job means lack of money and lack of money seems to mean to the universe that I really need to replace and repair things…

My car is bleeding. By that I mean she is losing oil at an alarming rate and I don’t know the prognosis yet. I won’t learn until early next week when I can take it to the doctors (aka dad) to get a diagnosis.

This car had never needed anything but since I’ve been out of work she’s needed a tyre and a clutch and goodness knows how the engine will get fixed.

The oil leak has been the final straw. I thought I was together and coping with all that was being thrown at me up to a point. Sure I’ve wobbled but I’ve generally been ok. But the thought of losing my car and thus my freedom just broke me. Everything I have been holding in burst out. Every fear surfaced and quite frankly I scared myself with how out of control and crazy I sounded.

20120715-190339.jpg

I am currently sitting on a picnic bench in the park watching a group of teenagers terrorising the birds and seeing that now I’ve let it all out the pressure isn’t built up in me the same way. I’ve deflated like a burst ball but I think that it’s a good thing. Being in the (windy) air is a good thing. Understanding what led to the outburst and talking it out was a good thing.

But enough now. That was what I was told “enough now” in a firm but understanding tone.

Ok the teenagers are now trying terrorise me too… Time to move on. In every single sense.

Please, no more hand wringing from me tomorrow!!

KT.

Day 196

Day 196

A day spent with family can go one of two ways. Either everyone gets on great, you all come away feeling closer or there are silly arguments, old resentments and/or guilts surface and you come away feeling closer to some people and frustrated with others. Most family events I’ve ever been to start as the former, become the later and if you have enough time come full circle to everyone feeling while again. This day was one of those. And it got me thinking…

I wish I knew of a way for all people to release all their bad feelings about themselves (and by all people I mostly mean me) and release any resentments against others to start from a clean slate of forgiveness. I’m not thinking “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” here but sometimes we do need to let go of past slights and hurts to move past the square we’re on. I understand that all people need to work through their own personal issues and demons in their own time but if I ever find a quicker, easier, less painful process I’ll probably be a millionaire in a very short time.

A lot of my journey has been about this. There is the navel gazing “how can I be a better person, how can I learn from my past mistakes and move on stronger, how can I make only new and different mistakes (and less of them) in future” part. There is the how do I streamline my life to make things easier so I have more time for fun part. And most importantly for me there is the looking outwards, how can I be good for and help others, how can I build a great future part.

The balance is tricky for me just now. I’m finding things hard and my lower moods and motivations are leading to more introspection and navel gazing than ever before. I’ve become increasingly jaded, scared and depressed. I’m stuck in place like I’ve been planted. The interesting part hopefully is that means because I’ve done a lot of soul searching during this time, the second half of this year (which I am just getting started on) should be quite the story. If only I can dig myself out.

I’ve done a lot but this looks and feels a lot like square 1. Who knew?! Maybe I am just on a different, new playing board now. I like that thought. I’ve levelled up!

KT.

Day 133

Day 133

I really hoped that my mood would clear before posting tonight but it hasn’t. KT is in a bad mood and blogging about it is a bad idea.

The long and short of it is difficult people annoy me. What’s the point in being deliberately difficult? And then I have been starting a mystery knit along and I’m at the swatch stage and I just can’t get gauge at all. I didn’t think I was a tight knitter but whatever I do (sensibly) it still comes out too small.

For tonight I give in. I have ordered a better mood and I am hoping it arrives in time for me waking up tomorrow.

KT :-)

Day 109

Day 109

I’ve had a bad day. Work left me frustrated and upset (I actually hit my computer hard enough with my fist that it thought it had been dropped an shut down to protect itself… But it wasn’t the computers fault). Today it just felt like things kept coming at me and I had no control. I hate days like this. And I hate blogging about them. None of you want to hear about my bad day. I know when I am reading other people’s blogs I love to read successes, triumphs, funny anecdotes… I’m just not there at the moment.

My job finishes at the end of next week and for the first time in my life I don’t really have a back up plan. And for the first time, I’m kinda scared. So, to focus on other things I turned the heel on the second sock and thought about things I was 1. Sure of and 2. Grateful for. Here is what I came up with.

Even though we are both in some difficult times, the man-shape and I hold together well and can still (as proved tonight) make each other laugh. (ok, it was more him making me laugh but he was laughing too)

I have many different skills and abilities and I learn new things quickly, this makes me employable. I am telling myself that I am sure someone will spot this soon, I’m faking it till I make it in that.

I am loved.

I have many goals in sight and hardship and trials only make me more determined.

I don’t have hundreds of friends but the ones I have a true and very supportive.

I still have my health.

I can look out in the world and still see good in it.

I am loved. (ok, I know that is in there twice but it is worth repeating)

What are you grateful for today? I’d love to read some comments for inspiration.

KT.

Day 98

Day 98

Allowing myself a break led to a 10 hour sleep last night. Amazingly I still woke up groggy. I haven’t done much today. I didn’t even leave my flat.

I have all but finished the first sock!! I haven’t bound it off because I want my mum to try it on for size first. I have a horrible feeling that it might be a smidge too small… If it is I might cry.

Other than that I spent my day watching tv and reading. I finished the second Hunger Games book. I loved it! I think the first is still my favourite, if only because of how quickly the second was wrapped up. It felt very fast and very disorienting but I think leading into book 3 that was intentional.

I spent my day keeping my mind occupied because I’m hormonal and my emotions are still all over the place. I am taking things personally that I am pretty sure either aren’t about me at all. That is a long time failing of mine and I am not sure how to conquer it. I anyone has any tips I’d love to hear them.

Right, I am off to bed. Might try for another rejuvenating sleep.

KT.

Day 93

Day 93

Today I turned 29. It is my birthday. Birthdays are weird. I didn’t want to have mine this year.

Every single day somebody celebrates another year passing since their birth. So really, to most people on the planet today was like any other day. But for me today had a name.

I am a little apprehensive about birthdays because as soon as you make a plan, have expectations, something completely different will happen. This year, to play the fates at their own game my plans were made for Friday, Saturday & Sunday. As you saw from my photos I spent Friday night away from my flat in my friends house in a little hamlet outside Dunoon. We had a couple of drinks and just relaxed. I discovered I have quite the skill for wii bowling.

The little place my friends parents live just so happens to be beside where I spent a couple of weeks of my summer during most of my teenage years (5 summers if my memory serves me correctly).

On Saturday afternoon I took a sort of pilgrimage to my past. Again, I went in with all these expectations of how I would feel being back there for the first time in maybe 10years. It was strange. I had expected (rather stupidly) to have some sort of revelation there, to remember who I was at that age and just know where I am meant to go next. I didn’t have anything like that. What struck me was how little had changed. It was so unchanged that I swear I could hear the giggles of us as kids running around on national kissing day (6th July if you’re interested) like we did every year, the boys wearing lipstick and us all just laughing. I could look at each window and remember what I did inside the building. So many of my experiences there formed who I am today and I could hear the echoes. But I had no profound moment.

I did feel peaceful. I did know that I have to take the man-shape there some day soon, for him so see it, experience it, and learn me just a little more than he could otherwise. Plus, it is just beautiful there. My photos don’t do it justice.

I had no profound moment but I did remember who I was years ago and although most of my changes have been for the better, I miss that girl. There was very little she had failed at and she was a walking bundle of potential. If I took anything away from the short time back there it is the fact that she still is. It might sound arrogant but there is very little that I am not capable of if I apply myself. It was nice to remember that that little balshy girl is still there, but with some wisdom of a few failures under her belt.

After my trip back to the castle I was given the chance to have a go on a pony for the first time in my adult life. It was fun. Sam was a very well behaved pony. I wasn’t nervous of being on a horse/pony, but I was nervous of making a fool of myself in front of two friends. How crazy stupid is that?! I got to have an experience I have not had in a long time. I don’t think I made a fool of myself and I was proud of myself for doing it.

So quickly after that it was time to come home. I travelled home alone. I got the ferry and two trains. I listened to music, got a little knitting done and reflected on my past (like people often do when birthdays are close). I’m not where that kid who spent her summers at orchestra residential holidays for her summers thought she’d be. But I think that’s ok. Where I thought I’d be would most likely have made me both boring and miserable. At least this unknown way is an adventure!

Yesterday, Sunday, I spent with the man-shape. In many ways it was totally his day. We went to Edinburgh, in part because I lived there for a year (and was living there when we met- reflecting on my past has been a BIG theme this weekend…) and also because he happened to have an audition there. The audition went well for him (he got the part). I then decided, in keeping with playing the fates at their own game, that we should go bowling and do the birthday stuff a day early.

We had fun bowling, even if we did end up with a very annoying family in the next lane… We both broke personal bests. He won both games. My wii bowling definitely went better than my regular bowling.

We came back via the video shop with DVDs and settled in for the night. We ended it off with Wrestlemania (a favourite for the man-shape). It was great to see when he started to get into it.

And then today. And as suspected, the fates did their thing, not knowing that I had gone out of my way to have my fun early. In so many ways today was just like any other day. Drinking coffee, watching tv and spending time with one of my favourite humans. I got older, I reflected on my past and how I got here. I got over emotional. And now? Well, I let myself wallow until bed and then I start anew tomorrow. I have work to be done. Miles to go (counting down from 730… Sorry, in-joke).

I can do more. I am going to do more. I deserve it. Life isn’t fair. In so many ways to so many people it just plain sucks. I’ve had enough of that. It’s not fair. So now I need to go and create the life I want. Isn’t that what this whole enterprise is all about??

KT.

Day 82

Day 82

My emotions are still running high, I’m still kind of angry but it’s no bad thing. I have a kind I fire in me that I haven’t had in a long time. I have so much determination right now you’d all better watch out!

I used that fire to push myself in the gym after work today. I worked hard but I am still sore all over from earlier in the week. I’m glad tomorrow is a half day because I really don’t fancy sitting at a desk for the full day…

While at the gym today I had a break in proceedings. I stopped to compliment one of the women who has been going there longer than I have. She always works hard and I can really see a difference in her. She is not a supermodel, and like myself, never will be, but she looks great now, she looks full of life and bright. She has lost weight too. I stopped to tell her how good she was looking and commented on the fact that she always smiles now. I now also know that she’s quite the chatterbox! She hasn’t had an easy time but she’s stayed positive, looked after herself and things are looking up for her now. I wish her all the best. Oh, and because it is important to me to learn people’s names – even though I often forget (and its important to get them right when I remember), her name is Alison.

KT :-)

Day 81

Day 81

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”

Someone did something today that showed me they underestimate me. To say it peeved me is putting it mildly. I was furious. Don’t underestimate me and don’t, ever talk down to me, treat me like a child or call me a liar. I am still mad but it has lit a fire in me that I haven’t felt in a long time.

I went to the gym after work and used the time spent sweating to think about how best to channel the fire. I’m still not sure what my next moves should be but I know that from now on I stop any sycophantic behaviour. Now I do things my way. And who knows, we might just see some results.

Today has also shown me that I definitely want to be my own boss some day. I’m not exactly sure how that will happen or what I’ll be doing but I know I will and I know I won’t be old when it happens.

This evening I made a healthy quick dinner and learned a bit more about my sewing machine, silly things like how to thread it properly and how to oil it and look after it. It is an investment and I want to do my best to make sure it lasts.

I have also started on the gusset of the sock. I’d like the first sock finished this weekend and be started on the second one. The pattern is easy now so as long as I put the work in it will be done.

I can see some good changes in my future. It’s not going to be comfortable. I am going to have to re-learn assertiveness. For such a bolshy child I’ve become a bit more timid an adult in far too many situations.

Anyone got any tips on how to change that? I’m going to need as many as I can get.

KT

Day 80

Day 80

Two major themes to today
1. Stress
2. Pain!!

My gym visit yesterday was effective. I know that because I can barely move today. I hurt from toe nails to eye lashes…! But it’s the good kind of hurt. It’s the kind of hurt that lets me know my muscles feel suitably chastised and it’s the kind of hurt that makes me want to do it all again tomorrow. I suppose this is the difference between going and really applying myself and just phoning it in. If only my eating discipline was so good.

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment and that is leading to stress (so its a great time to get back into working out). This is difficult to explain but I’m going to give it a go anyway. I don’t feel stressed. I don’t have the knot in my stomach, I’m not irritable, I am neither off my food nor comfort eating. But I know I’m stressed. When I am stressed it comes out in two ways, my body shows signs of it, usually through bad skin; and my emotions get wildly out of control. I have been up and down like a yoyo all day. I’ve cried a few times, over silly things mostly but it’s like I just can’t hold it in. I was also laughing hysterically at song lyrics.

I turned the heel on the first sock tonight and knitting that sock was one of the few things that has kept me calm.

I hope I have a bit more control over things tomorrow. As I have said on this blog many times : sleep should fix me.

KT