Day 197

Day 197

Rock bottom… Or is it?

Well, in my introspective post of yesterday I didn’t mention some of the events that lead to my crash. And today I kinda broke. Apologies to the man-shape for the weird behaviour and the emotional outpour.

Well, as you know I am currently looking for a job or jobs that can bring in money not at the cost of my soul. That is taking longer than I would have liked but I am still on the case. But lack of job means lack of money and lack of money seems to mean to the universe that I really need to replace and repair things…

My car is bleeding. By that I mean she is losing oil at an alarming rate and I don’t know the prognosis yet. I won’t learn until early next week when I can take it to the doctors (aka dad) to get a diagnosis.

This car had never needed anything but since I’ve been out of work she’s needed a tyre and a clutch and goodness knows how the engine will get fixed.

The oil leak has been the final straw. I thought I was together and coping with all that was being thrown at me up to a point. Sure I’ve wobbled but I’ve generally been ok. But the thought of losing my car and thus my freedom just broke me. Everything I have been holding in burst out. Every fear surfaced and quite frankly I scared myself with how out of control and crazy I sounded.

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I am currently sitting on a picnic bench in the park watching a group of teenagers terrorising the birds and seeing that now I’ve let it all out the pressure isn’t built up in me the same way. I’ve deflated like a burst ball but I think that it’s a good thing. Being in the (windy) air is a good thing. Understanding what led to the outburst and talking it out was a good thing.

But enough now. That was what I was told “enough now” in a firm but understanding tone.

Ok the teenagers are now trying terrorise me too… Time to move on. In every single sense.

Please, no more hand wringing from me tomorrow!!

KT.

Day 196

Day 196

A day spent with family can go one of two ways. Either everyone gets on great, you all come away feeling closer or there are silly arguments, old resentments and/or guilts surface and you come away feeling closer to some people and frustrated with others. Most family events I’ve ever been to start as the former, become the later and if you have enough time come full circle to everyone feeling while again. This day was one of those. And it got me thinking…

I wish I knew of a way for all people to release all their bad feelings about themselves (and by all people I mostly mean me) and release any resentments against others to start from a clean slate of forgiveness. I’m not thinking “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” here but sometimes we do need to let go of past slights and hurts to move past the square we’re on. I understand that all people need to work through their own personal issues and demons in their own time but if I ever find a quicker, easier, less painful process I’ll probably be a millionaire in a very short time.

A lot of my journey has been about this. There is the navel gazing “how can I be a better person, how can I learn from my past mistakes and move on stronger, how can I make only new and different mistakes (and less of them) in future” part. There is the how do I streamline my life to make things easier so I have more time for fun part. And most importantly for me there is the looking outwards, how can I be good for and help others, how can I build a great future part.

The balance is tricky for me just now. I’m finding things hard and my lower moods and motivations are leading to more introspection and navel gazing than ever before. I’ve become increasingly jaded, scared and depressed. I’m stuck in place like I’ve been planted. The interesting part hopefully is that means because I’ve done a lot of soul searching during this time, the second half of this year (which I am just getting started on) should be quite the story. If only I can dig myself out.

I’ve done a lot but this looks and feels a lot like square 1. Who knew?! Maybe I am just on a different, new playing board now. I like that thought. I’ve levelled up!

KT.

Day 195

Day 195

Friday the friggin’ 13th!

Normally I have no issues with Friday the 13th. Friday is just a day, 13 is just a number. But today has been, now I’m looking at it from the end of the day, hilarious.

My day started with an appointment at the clinic, it was that time again, the time when a random stranger gets to see my lady bits up close and personal to do the “check for cancerous cells” test. Smear tests are not pleasant or fun but they are important. I’d rather know if something was up early so it can be treated than literally die of “embarrassment”. Today I had not one, but two women looking at my bits. There was a student nurse in. Now, I was given the option of her staying behind the curtain but if everyone did that, how would anyone learn? That would just be silly. I let her observe and joked the whole time to keep the atmosphere light. Anyway, I felt entitled to crack a few jokes, I was the only one in the room with my pants off…!

I then went to meet an old tutor of mine. I needed to pick up my portfolio and yet another certificate (the last thank goodness). He of course wasn’t there although we had made arrangements. He made his way in but I had to wait around for about an hour. We chatted for a while with him and his brother trying to find me a job. Most of the time they were pointing out places I had already applied to but there were a few avenues that I haven’t looked down yet.

On the drive back home my car started to smoke from under the bonnet. Not good. I got back, let it cool down and then checked the oil and water. I’ve topped both up which did involve a walk to the garage to buy oil. I’m not even sure I have enough oil yet but I can top it up more when I can mooch some oil from my dad. He is away the weekend so it’ll be when he gets back.

I feel like today has been a day of fighting fires. At least it’s been a quick one!

I’ll leave you with the picture I promised yesterday, the sock to mitt mid-knit conversion. I love how they turned out and I can see them getting a lot of wear.

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KT.

Day 193/194

Day 193 & 194

I didn’t blog yesterday. For the first time since starting this journey I had nothing constructive to say at all. I don’t have much to say today either if I’m honest but I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be full and colourful!

My only achievement over the last two days is rescuing a knitted project that wasn’t going to fit. I have successfully ripped back the socks to the end of the leg and turned them into fingerless mitts. I have finished the first one and I really like the results. I’ll post pictures tomorrow when I have some light again.

KT.

Day 192

Day 192

Well, today has been frustrating. I tried on the sock I’ve been knitting. Same number of stitches as normal. Same size needles. Too small…

I’m currently working on some alternative plan that I hope to be able to share tomorrow but for now let’s just say that I wasn’t in a happy place when I realised!

KT.

Day 191

Day 191

Ok, I need a job. This whole not knowing quite what to do with myself just isn’t fun anymore. The lack of human contact is becoming an issue. I am both bored and lonely. And that leads to mammoth knitting sessions…

I turned the heel and I’m half way down the foot of a sock today and if I have another rainy day like today tomorrow there is a real possibility that I could finish sock number 1 of this pair tomorrow. It will kill my left hand if I do that but I am really liking seeing the progress. It was a short row heel this time, I’m normally a heel flap girl so this was all new and it did involve some ripping back.

Tomorrow will be brighter, if not in weather then at least in possibilities.

Universe, if you’re listening, I could really do well in a job now. I’m ready.

KT.

Day 190

Day 190

I accidentally wasted a chunk of my day by falling asleep around dinner time and crashing out for about 3 hours.

I did find time to get a decent amount of sock knitting done and I’ve listed a couple of items on eBay. Fingers crossed they sell and I can clear those things out and make a few pennies.

Hopefully I’ll still be able to sleep tonight in spite of the extended nap. I am trying to tell myself that I must have needed it.

A new week ahead of me, I’m feeling strangely optimistic about it. I think good things are coming. Let’s face it, they need to! It’s on it’s way, because I’m working on it.

KT. :-)

Day 189

Day 189

Late post again. I guess that is what happens when I actually live my life, I forget to tell you about it.

Day 189 was a surprise, the man-shape and I had a spontaneous late celebration of our anniversary (7 years last month). I had picked him up and we were on our way back to my flat. Now, to fully understand the significance of the events that follow you need to know that the man-shape is not only a comic book geek but specifically a massive Spiderman fan. As we’re driving back he randomly mentions going to the cinema. Cinema trips are one of our favourite treats, for him a good film is acting school, film making school and entertainment all rolled into one and I love a well told story. As we’re talking I throw in that he had mentioned he really wanted to see the new Spiderman movie in an IMAX cinema. Next thing I know we have made a spontaneous plan, I have set a course correction in place for Edinburgh. We split the various costs between us and had a great day. Amazing Spiderman, here we come!

The film itself was possibly the closest thing I have ever seen to a perfect film. I couldn’t quite put my finger on exactly why I liked this film so much more than the previous Spiderman films but then I realised. The best way to describe it, my personal feeling, this film had heart. I wish I could explain it better but really that is it. The characters are well written, well acted and you care about each one of them, including the bad guys. I cried a couple of times but anyone who knows me knows that I cry at pretty much everything.

I loved the music, it was perfect, subtle, non-intrusive but emotional and quite powerful when needed. I liked seeing some of the other characters that aren’t always used in the screen adaptations of the Spiderman story like Gwen Stacy. I love listening to the man-shape tell me his favourite stories from within that universe and many of them have involved Gwen Stacy in some way so to see her on screen I now feel a little bit more included.

As spontaneous days go, it was perfect. We laughed, we chatted about all things random, we ate some amazing pizza, we watched a great film, we came back to my flat and we relaxed with computer games for him and knitting for me and after all that fun and gentle adventure we woke up refreshed and ready to face whatever comes next.

I feel like I have had a weekend and for someone not in regular employment at the moment that is a real solid achievement. It was awesome! (“awesome” has been my adjective of choice all weekend, for me, everything has been “kinda awesome” this weekend and I’m alright with that!)

Have an awesome weekend (what is left of it) and an amazing week ahead!

KT. :-)

Day 188

Day 188

Apologies for the late entry. I was out with friends last night.

Day 188 was international kissing day! Mwah! That particular “national day” or “international day” in this case, has fond memories for me. When I was a teenager I used to spend my summers (4 or 5 of them, I lose track) at Castle Toward at an orchestra residential course for about 10days each year. Now, I’ve told you about this place before, that was the place I went to a couple of months back with friends to stay at my friends parents house.

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We were always there at the start of July and my first year there someone heard on the radio that it was national kissing day on 6th July. Every year after it became a bit of a tradition for the boys to knick the brightest lipstick they could find from one of the girls and then sorta terrorise us! It was a great laugh and one of the things I remember about that time. I also remember how cool the ones who had already paired up played it, that was also a source of fun.

Fond memories and some nice reminiscing.

Do you have a recurring holiday, or national day with fond memories? I’d love to hear about them.

KT. :-)

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