Day 197

Rock bottom… Or is it?

Well, in my introspective post of yesterday I didn’t mention some of the events that lead to my crash. And today I kinda broke. Apologies to the man-shape for the weird behaviour and the emotional outpour.

Well, as you know I am currently looking for a job or jobs that can bring in money not at the cost of my soul. That is taking longer than I would have liked but I am still on the case. But lack of job means lack of money and lack of money seems to mean to the universe that I really need to replace and repair things…

My car is bleeding. By that I mean she is losing oil at an alarming rate and I don’t know the prognosis yet. I won’t learn until early next week when I can take it to the doctors (aka dad) to get a diagnosis.

This car had never needed anything but since I’ve been out of work she’s needed a tyre and a clutch and goodness knows how the engine will get fixed.

The oil leak has been the final straw. I thought I was together and coping with all that was being thrown at me up to a point. Sure I’ve wobbled but I’ve generally been ok. But the thought of losing my car and thus my freedom just broke me. Everything I have been holding in burst out. Every fear surfaced and quite frankly I scared myself with how out of control and crazy I sounded.

I am currently sitting on a picnic bench in the park watching a group of teenagers terrorising the birds and seeing that now I’ve let it all out the pressure isn’t built up in me the same way. I’ve deflated like a burst ball but I think that it’s a good thing. Being in the (windy) air is a good thing. Understanding what led to the outburst and talking it out was a good thing.

But enough now. That was what I was told “enough now” in a firm but understanding tone.

Ok the teenagers are now trying terrorise me too… Time to move on. In every single sense.

Please, no more hand wringing from me tomorrow!!

KT.