Day 196

Day 196

A day spent with family can go one of two ways. Either everyone gets on great, you all come away feeling closer or there are silly arguments, old resentments and/or guilts surface and you come away feeling closer to some people and frustrated with others. Most family events I’ve ever been to start as the former, become the later and if you have enough time come full circle to everyone feeling while again. This day was one of those. And it got me thinking…

I wish I knew of a way for all people to release all their bad feelings about themselves (and by all people I mostly mean me) and release any resentments against others to start from a clean slate of forgiveness. I’m not thinking “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” here but sometimes we do need to let go of past slights and hurts to move past the square we’re on. I understand that all people need to work through their own personal issues and demons in their own time but if I ever find a quicker, easier, less painful process I’ll probably be a millionaire in a very short time.

A lot of my journey has been about this. There is the navel gazing “how can I be a better person, how can I learn from my past mistakes and move on stronger, how can I make only new and different mistakes (and less of them) in future” part. There is the how do I streamline my life to make things easier so I have more time for fun part. And most importantly for me there is the looking outwards, how can I be good for and help others, how can I build a great future part.

The balance is tricky for me just now. I’m finding things hard and my lower moods and motivations are leading to more introspection and navel gazing than ever before. I’ve become increasingly jaded, scared and depressed. I’m stuck in place like I’ve been planted. The interesting part hopefully is that means because I’ve done a lot of soul searching during this time, the second half of this year (which I am just getting started on) should be quite the story. If only I can dig myself out.

I’ve done a lot but this looks and feels a lot like square 1. Who knew?! Maybe I am just on a different, new playing board now. I like that thought. I’ve levelled up!


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