Day 93

Day 93

Today I turned 29. It is my birthday. Birthdays are weird. I didn’t want to have mine this year.

Every single day somebody celebrates another year passing since their birth. So really, to most people on the planet today was like any other day. But for me today had a name.

I am a little apprehensive about birthdays because as soon as you make a plan, have expectations, something completely different will happen. This year, to play the fates at their own game my plans were made for Friday, Saturday & Sunday. As you saw from my photos I spent Friday night away from my flat in my friends house in a little hamlet outside Dunoon. We had a couple of drinks and just relaxed. I discovered I have quite the skill for wii bowling.

The little place my friends parents live just so happens to be beside where I spent a couple of weeks of my summer during most of my teenage years (5 summers if my memory serves me correctly).

On Saturday afternoon I took a sort of pilgrimage to my past. Again, I went in with all these expectations of how I would feel being back there for the first time in maybe 10years. It was strange. I had expected (rather stupidly) to have some sort of revelation there, to remember who I was at that age and just know where I am meant to go next. I didn’t have anything like that. What struck me was how little had changed. It was so unchanged that I swear I could hear the giggles of us as kids running around on national kissing day (6th July if you’re interested) like we did every year, the boys wearing lipstick and us all just laughing. I could look at each window and remember what I did inside the building. So many of my experiences there formed who I am today and I could hear the echoes. But I had no profound moment.

I did feel peaceful. I did know that I have to take the man-shape there some day soon, for him so see it, experience it, and learn me just a little more than he could otherwise. Plus, it is just beautiful there. My photos don’t do it justice.

I had no profound moment but I did remember who I was years ago and although most of my changes have been for the better, I miss that girl. There was very little she had failed at and she was a walking bundle of potential. If I took anything away from the short time back there it is the fact that she still is. It might sound arrogant but there is very little that I am not capable of if I apply myself. It was nice to remember that that little balshy girl is still there, but with some wisdom of a few failures under her belt.

After my trip back to the castle I was given the chance to have a go on a pony for the first time in my adult life. It was fun. Sam was a very well behaved pony. I wasn’t nervous of being on a horse/pony, but I was nervous of making a fool of myself in front of two friends. How crazy stupid is that?! I got to have an experience I have not had in a long time. I don’t think I made a fool of myself and I was proud of myself for doing it.

So quickly after that it was time to come home. I travelled home alone. I got the ferry and two trains. I listened to music, got a little knitting done and reflected on my past (like people often do when birthdays are close). I’m not where that kid who spent her summers at orchestra residential holidays for her summers thought she’d be. But I think that’s ok. Where I thought I’d be would most likely have made me both boring and miserable. At least this unknown way is an adventure!

Yesterday, Sunday, I spent with the man-shape. In many ways it was totally his day. We went to Edinburgh, in part because I lived there for a year (and was living there when we met- reflecting on my past has been a BIG theme this weekend…) and also because he happened to have an audition there. The audition went well for him (he got the part). I then decided, in keeping with playing the fates at their own game, that we should go bowling and do the birthday stuff a day early.

We had fun bowling, even if we did end up with a very annoying family in the next lane… We both broke personal bests. He won both games. My wii bowling definitely went better than my regular bowling.

We came back via the video shop with DVDs and settled in for the night. We ended it off with Wrestlemania (a favourite for the man-shape). It was great to see when he started to get into it.

And then today. And as suspected, the fates did their thing, not knowing that I had gone out of my way to have my fun early. In so many ways today was just like any other day. Drinking coffee, watching tv and spending time with one of my favourite humans. I got older, I reflected on my past and how I got here. I got over emotional. And now? Well, I let myself wallow until bed and then I start anew tomorrow. I have work to be done. Miles to go (counting down from 730… Sorry, in-joke).

I can do more. I am going to do more. I deserve it. Life isn’t fair. In so many ways to so many people it just plain sucks. I’ve had enough of that. It’s not fair. So now I need to go and create the life I want. Isn’t that what this whole enterprise is all about??

KT.

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